Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
