I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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