Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
