Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
