apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
