OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
