i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize