She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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