A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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