I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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