The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
