yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
