trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
