It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
