I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
