Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He felt like a one man threesome
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
