can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
