Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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