You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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