Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
