had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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