____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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