ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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