Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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