I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
