all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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