I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I FOUND THE LEGS
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
