I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
