Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
