his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
