i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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