Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
