are you so shy because you have an std?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
