I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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