Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Alive.
So much puke
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
