Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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