Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
