I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
