I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
