what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
