I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
