if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
