So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it's like iHOP with fire
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
