Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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