Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
