Buhtt sex?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
