Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
