GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize