cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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