hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
