Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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