My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
