The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
