Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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