He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
