my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
