There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
