It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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