Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
