Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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