bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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