he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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