not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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