I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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