Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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