I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
