My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
