God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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