Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
